Sunday, March 13, 2011

skinny jeans

so yesterday, i went shopping.

i haven't been shopping for a very long time for multiple reasons:
no money
i didn't need new clothes
i was afraid to spend money on new clothes if i was just going to lose more weight and have to buy even more clothes.

but when my husband called my other jeans "frumpy" (in a loving way, of course) that was my cue to go buy some new jeans. and let me tell you - it was very exciting to fit into a smaller size and they are "skinny" jeans, at that.

ok - i've gotten a bit ahead of myself - let me go back a bit.

ever since i came back from vacation in CA, i haven't been very diligent in my weight loss. i would exercise some, try to eat healthy - then i would go a few days without a good workout or have some junk food. but i wasn't losing - i was just maintaining my weight. on the bright side, i wasn't gaining it back, however, i wasn't working to reach my next goal.

so i read some old journal entries from when i first started losing weight. reading these reminded me how i felt when i first started. it reminded me how lost and frustrated and overwhelmed i was feeling. it reminded me that i don't want to go back to that place.

it also reminded me of Psalm 86 - i found this chapter in the beginning of my journey and it had become my prayer through this time. i had forgotten all about it, but it reminded me that i needed to place God first in my life - above all else - food, exercise, work, and even my husband. it helped me to refocus on losing weight.

now, i'm not saying that since reading those entries i've been perfect and lost a ton of weight. i have started losing again, but i have also still had chocolate and sweets and some not so healthy meals. but i'm refocusing.

i'm beginning to find a balance. however, in order to lose weight, it's not going to be completely balanced - i need to burn more calories than i'm consuming (thank you Jillian Michaels) - but if i deny myself all forms of sugar, i will eventually crave it so much that i will eat a ton of sugar and then feel like crap - emotionally and physically.

i haven't quite figured this balance out, but i do think i'm close to figuring out a lifestyle that i can live with.

the other day i realized that i have been on this journey for about 5 months. there have been ups and downs, but i have been pretty consistent for 5 MONTHS! that's huge for me. my whole life i've felt that i needed a quick fix - and even though i knew in my head that there wasn't one - i kept searching for one because i didn't want to put in the work to make it happen.

in the past 5 months, i've developed habits to create a lifestyle that is healthy-er than when i started. it's not perfect - it might not be up to Bob and Jillian or my doctor's standards, but it's working. i've become ok with the process - with the fact that it's not an overnight thing - with the idea that it could take me over a year or more to lose all the weight i need to. a year can seem overwhelming - and for a crash diet, a year is an eternity. but a year is not very long when it means i'm starting habits to create a lifestyle i can live with forever. it's a daily thing. choosing TODAY to make healthy choices.

as i said earlier - i don't have this all figured out, but i am learning. i'm growing. i'm changing. sometimes i fail and it can be debilitating. the guilt can be consuming. but i'm trying to learn that one missed workout or one night of splurging on cupcakes is not the end of the world. my God is bigger than me - pun intended. my God is bigger than my weight loss journey. my God can use my weight loss to develop characteristics in me that i may not have learned or developed otherwise. my faith is growing through this process - and it is a process. slowly but surely, i'm losing weight.

i'm getting healthy.

and i'm buying skinny jeans. :D

with love,


Jerolyn Bogear said...

I'm so proud of you. I know you are working hard at this.

Love you,

Brooke said...

love, love, love the updates! you are doing soooo good, friend! I'm proud of you and your life changes!